TIE HoyMy child is becoming more and more foreign — there is a wall between us
Your child growing independent IS correct — what needs to grow is your mindset. Accept their independence, self-awareness and desire to be respected. The gap is not the child changing — it is you needing to catch up.
My child is increasingly different from us — what do I do?
This is not the child changing — it is the child growing.
Growing up IS becoming independent. A parent cannot expect the child to become another version of themselves — that would be failure.
Differences are normal. Not just the child’s growth — the parent’s mindset also needs to grow: accept the child’s independence, self-awareness, and desire to be respected.
My child no longer shares with us — how to communicate?
Respect, equality, give independent space, wait patiently for the right moment.
The child mostly does not want to share, but can still be reached.
The key is approach: equal dialogue, not top-down instructions. Ask for their view — don’t give your conclusion.
What to do
Observe the differences between you and your child. Sort: child growing vs you not adjusting.
Bring
- List of differences
- Judgment: growth or discomfort
Steps
- List specific ways you feel the child has changed.
- For each: is the child growing, or am I uncomfortable?
- Find a moment the child is willing to talk. Ask, don’t conclude.
- Accept: the child does not need to go back. You need to catch up.
Basis
Parent-child cultural gap in immigrant families is structural: the child adapts to the new environment faster than the parent. Cognitive framework divergence is inevitable. The parent’s task is not to prevent divergence but to maintain connection within it.
More questions
Will my child forget they are Chinese?
No. But they will define what ‘Chinese’ means in their own way.
That definition will differ from yours — but it is theirs, not yours to decide.